Thursday, July 18, 2013

The Future

After a lot of contemplating and conversations, I have made the decision to go back to teaching in the fall. There are a TON of pros and cons I had to consider but, in the end, it's what's best for my family. I am nervous but excited at the same time. It will be a big adjustment, most of all for Elliott, who has never been under the care of anyone other than my ILs and myself. I'm hopeful he'll get a lot of stimulation and maybe, just maybe, he'll get on SOME kind of a schedule. Right now, at 14 months, it is still a crap shoot when and how long he'll nap for. Ugh. I am exhausted.

Lydia, on the other hand, has been to daycare full-time for almost 2 years and cannot WAIT to go back to "school". She asks me regularly now "Is it fall now so I can go to school?" She loves the challenge excitement of school. She misses her friends and teachers and I know she will flourish back in that setting.

I do miss my coworkers and, much to my own surprise, my students. I am ready to get back into the groove and hustle and bustle and drama of teenage school life. I know it hardly makes sense. It hardly makes sense to me! I really love being home with my kiddos and I know that I am so lucky to have had this year at home taking care of them. It was life-changing. It gave me such a fresh perspective on what it means to be a mother.

This summer was a now-or-never point in my career. I had to choose to either go back to work now or lose my position completely and have to start over from scratch whenever I DO decide to go back to work. It doesn't mean I will always work full-time or always be working at this job. This is just what's right, right now. It's liberating to know that I don't really NEED to work and I am working because I WANT to. Jeff has been so supportive. He just shrugs and says "If you don't like it, you can quit." God, I love him!

But of course, I still worry about whether or not I am making the right decision or whether or not this makes me a bad mom or whether or not I'll be bale to be as good a teacher as I want to be as I get back into the swing of things. I just have to have faith and jump in, I guess. It's time for a change.

This article was particularly timely for me. I really love this author's fresh and refreshing perspective. There is always guilt. I am have tons of mama guilt. I have mama guilt while I am a SAHM and I have mama guilt when I think about going back to work. However, I would also like to add a thought that I read in another article a long time ago that I cannot currently find but it really stuck with me. We cannot tell our children, our daughters in particular, that they can be whatever they want when they grow up but actually expect them all to stay home and raise children and keep house or expect them all to go to work outside of the home. Both options have to be available to them and both are viable, respectful options.

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